Arachnids, and other forms of Angels.

A great man once said, "I'm everywhere, you'll see!"  

I hate it when I get shit [items?!] that attach certain [things?] to them for no real reason. Bear with me, Kodiak. For instance, I received a wallet for Christmas that was made by the Columbia Sportswear Company. Yea, I know, its so ‘Macy’s’. Attached to this wallet in its case was a keychain that was both a light and a compass. I have nothing personally against these incredible human inventions, but the compass doesn’t even work! Color me pissed off. Im looking at the keychain right now, and I just realized that on the back is a temperature gauge. What are those called? Thermometers? I DONT KNOW!  Honestly this is just about the compass. Why would you even put it on there if it didn’t work. That just makes your shit look weak. 67% of this keychain is useful. That’s a D+ ALMOST. This got me thinking about what would be some pretty sweet keychains, but also that everything that would be cool is probably already an I-Phone application. 

 

1.       Mini-Taser

2.       Mini Meth Lab

3.       A Vial of Powdered Milk [ U NEVER KNOW!]

4.       A Mini-Vinyl recording of the message sent out on Voyager 1 and 2

5.       A locket with a picture of your dad's head on a naked woman’s body

6.       A compass that fucking works.

 

 I certainly do not understand photovoltaic cells or batteries, do you? I HATE it when energy is  transferred in these most esoteric of ways.

 

 Is Rembrandt an artist or a toothpaste? Speaking of which, why is there not better toothpaste  flavors? Here are some flavors I would use:

 

1.       Nutella/Banana Crepe

2.       Gunshot!

3.       Shower Curtain Smell Taste

4.       Warm hug.

5.       Argyle Cardamom Pod.

 

I'm Fresher Than a Veggie Stand

Big ups to Roland, MS, and LM for the hey yeaaa.

Shrimp salad. 

What progressive-minded shrimp ever thought that it would end up on a leafy bed of land-greens smothered in an egg-based cream sauce loaded with spices and MSG? I’m pretty down with shrimp orally, but mentally, I’m anxious about them. They remind me of swimming-larvae-maggots-of-the-deep. I don’t even know if I like the taste of them! When they enter my mouth portal, they are always covered in a VERY CONCEALING SAUCE.  

If I’m ever eaten, I would like to be slow cooked in a crock-pot. Make a Drew Stew [Beef Broth Nyiiiggga!!]. Organic fo shiggs. I swear to all that is holyish, that if you put carrots in there I will haunt you and your kin to death until your blood lineage is extinguished. I don’t HATE carrots, but every time I’m eating whether it be a salad, stew, or carrot sandwich, everytime I get a fork/spoon/mouthful of carrot I am more than disappointed, I’m downright crestfallen. And everyone knows that every time my crest falls off, a bear cub loses his temper.

 

 

Don’t end a shower on a cold note. 

Day Two of Hunger Strike

It has officially been 48 hours since I've eaten. I feel like a fish out of water. I feel like a land fish. I AM THE MISSING LINK. I've always known this, it's just taken starving to death to find out for certain.

Bad Idea of the Day: Going home to the parent's casa and smelling some sort of fantastic seafood dish my dad made. [does this make me a cannibal? A Land Fish who loves the smell of fish??] I kind of cheated by

 sipping a spoonful of the seafood sauce. Then I washed it down with my Lemonade Elixir and was FULLY SATIATED.

This fast is wreaking havoc on my thoughts and feelings. For some reason I feel like the smallest human this side of Kindercare. I look in the mirror and see a frail, tiny, embryo. I fear that by the end of this ordeal I will be nothing more than stem cells in a Petri Dish. My biography will be entitled, "The Curious Case of the Malnourished Land-Fish."

I just forgot what I was doing for about 15 seconds.

Oh yea. STATS TIME.

Weight: 186ish. I should get a digital scale. The $10 scale from target with the wavering needle does not give me much faith in it's accuracy.

Most Common Emotion of the Day: Bewilderment. Is that an emotion or a state of being? I hate you.

Hours Remaining: 190.5

Percent Done: 20%

Music I listened to while writing this bo'shit: Portishead- Third

My I-tunes says its in the "Trip-Hop" genre. I say I-Tunes can "suck-it." 

You can pronounce "III" by saying "aye-aye-aye" or even "ai-yi-yi." Try it at home!

This is my friend Thomas Frempong Aye Yi...or Thomas Frempong II or even Tom Pong Jr.!

The Master Cleanse

Today I am starting a 2 week fasting diet called The Master Cleanse. When I am done, I will have x-ray vision and will most likely live forever. At this moment I am trying to choke down a quart of salt water. You might be wondering a thought such as "Drew, why are you drinking salt water? Are you a Baleen Whale?" In which I would answer, "To scrub my intestines, and yes." So far I have almost thrown up only once. I had to spit some of the delicious nectar back into the bowl, and now I am drinking that salty saltness again. I weighed myself this morning, and I was at 188...so we will see how close to a feather I can get by the end of this thing.