Biz-Kit

Are fanny packs played out? Yea, so what?! Even talking about them is played out. It’s not even ironic to wear one. So get outta here with all that mess. You want to know what kind of mess I want to get into? My fanny pack’s mess!

My fanny pack can hold at least seven biscuits, no doubt. This is quite convenient in an urban setting. I hate luggin around a briefcase full of biscuits. It’s unwieldy and people always ask for a bite or ten. With my fanny I can just jam my fings down into my pack, snag a hunk a bisc, and get rid of that sick nasty third world feeling of hunger.

Let’s do a quick biscuit rank

First: Ezell’s

Tied for Last: Everybody else

Check out this picture for your records: In the most North Eastern Quaternary are located 2 fresh biscuits, no doubt delicious. I don't know what those other things are. Look like bad, burnt biscuits. You can now distinguish.

Good news: Due to my most previous math algorithmed ranking skills, whenever you eat a biscuit, you’re eating one of the top two flavored biscuits in the world. Not a bad afternoon.

Bad news: Bread won’t be forever. Get a biscuit quick! Bisquick! Pancakes. (aren’t as good as waffles, but they’ll do in a breakfast pinch).

www.biz-kit.com coming soon. A perfect bellybag to hold your breadmeats.

Arachnids, and other forms of Angels.

A great man once said, "I'm everywhere, you'll see!"  

I hate it when I get shit [items?!] that attach certain [things?] to them for no real reason. Bear with me, Kodiak. For instance, I received a wallet for Christmas that was made by the Columbia Sportswear Company. Yea, I know, its so ‘Macy’s’. Attached to this wallet in its case was a keychain that was both a light and a compass. I have nothing personally against these incredible human inventions, but the compass doesn’t even work! Color me pissed off. Im looking at the keychain right now, and I just realized that on the back is a temperature gauge. What are those called? Thermometers? I DONT KNOW!  Honestly this is just about the compass. Why would you even put it on there if it didn’t work. That just makes your shit look weak. 67% of this keychain is useful. That’s a D+ ALMOST. This got me thinking about what would be some pretty sweet keychains, but also that everything that would be cool is probably already an I-Phone application. 

 

1.       Mini-Taser

2.       Mini Meth Lab

3.       A Vial of Powdered Milk [ U NEVER KNOW!]

4.       A Mini-Vinyl recording of the message sent out on Voyager 1 and 2

5.       A locket with a picture of your dad's head on a naked woman’s body

6.       A compass that fucking works.

 

 I certainly do not understand photovoltaic cells or batteries, do you? I HATE it when energy is  transferred in these most esoteric of ways.

 

 Is Rembrandt an artist or a toothpaste? Speaking of which, why is there not better toothpaste  flavors? Here are some flavors I would use:

 

1.       Nutella/Banana Crepe

2.       Gunshot!

3.       Shower Curtain Smell Taste

4.       Warm hug.

5.       Argyle Cardamom Pod.

 

I'm Fresher Than a Veggie Stand

Big ups to Roland, MS, and LM for the hey yeaaa.

Shrimp salad. 

What progressive-minded shrimp ever thought that it would end up on a leafy bed of land-greens smothered in an egg-based cream sauce loaded with spices and MSG? I’m pretty down with shrimp orally, but mentally, I’m anxious about them. They remind me of swimming-larvae-maggots-of-the-deep. I don’t even know if I like the taste of them! When they enter my mouth portal, they are always covered in a VERY CONCEALING SAUCE.  

If I’m ever eaten, I would like to be slow cooked in a crock-pot. Make a Drew Stew [Beef Broth Nyiiiggga!!]. Organic fo shiggs. I swear to all that is holyish, that if you put carrots in there I will haunt you and your kin to death until your blood lineage is extinguished. I don’t HATE carrots, but every time I’m eating whether it be a salad, stew, or carrot sandwich, everytime I get a fork/spoon/mouthful of carrot I am more than disappointed, I’m downright crestfallen. And everyone knows that every time my crest falls off, a bear cub loses his temper.

 

 

Don’t end a shower on a cold note. 

Day Two of Hunger Strike

It has officially been 48 hours since I've eaten. I feel like a fish out of water. I feel like a land fish. I AM THE MISSING LINK. I've always known this, it's just taken starving to death to find out for certain.

Bad Idea of the Day: Going home to the parent's casa and smelling some sort of fantastic seafood dish my dad made. [does this make me a cannibal? A Land Fish who loves the smell of fish??] I kind of cheated by

 sipping a spoonful of the seafood sauce. Then I washed it down with my Lemonade Elixir and was FULLY SATIATED.

This fast is wreaking havoc on my thoughts and feelings. For some reason I feel like the smallest human this side of Kindercare. I look in the mirror and see a frail, tiny, embryo. I fear that by the end of this ordeal I will be nothing more than stem cells in a Petri Dish. My biography will be entitled, "The Curious Case of the Malnourished Land-Fish."

I just forgot what I was doing for about 15 seconds.

Oh yea. STATS TIME.

Weight: 186ish. I should get a digital scale. The $10 scale from target with the wavering needle does not give me much faith in it's accuracy.

Most Common Emotion of the Day: Bewilderment. Is that an emotion or a state of being? I hate you.

Hours Remaining: 190.5

Percent Done: 20%

Music I listened to while writing this bo'shit: Portishead- Third

My I-tunes says its in the "Trip-Hop" genre. I say I-Tunes can "suck-it." 

You can pronounce "III" by saying "aye-aye-aye" or even "ai-yi-yi." Try it at home!

This is my friend Thomas Frempong Aye Yi...or Thomas Frempong II or even Tom Pong Jr.!

The Master Cleanse

Today I am starting a 2 week fasting diet called The Master Cleanse. When I am done, I will have x-ray vision and will most likely live forever. At this moment I am trying to choke down a quart of salt water. You might be wondering a thought such as "Drew, why are you drinking salt water? Are you a Baleen Whale?" In which I would answer, "To scrub my intestines, and yes." So far I have almost thrown up only once. I had to spit some of the delicious nectar back into the bowl, and now I am drinking that salty saltness again. I weighed myself this morning, and I was at 188...so we will see how close to a feather I can get by the end of this thing. 

√√√√√ Yo'self (before you wreck yourself)

I just ate so much Eggplant Parmesan. Biggest piece ever. I thought it was two pieces stacked up to the sky, but Lo and Behold, that's how big their making EP these days. A lot of people hate on eggplant. I've heard a LOT of people talking shit lately. In response to the haters, I've compiled a list of words in no particular order that I WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO YOU.

1. Eggplant is dope.

2. It belongs to a family of plants called the Nightshades. What does that remind you of? Nightwalker? Yes. 

3. Guess some other Nightshades below at the x marks the spot

x__________________________________

I bet you didn't get very many or at least not my favorites, which include:

A)Mandrakes (think Harry Potter)

B)Tobacco (think cancer)

C)Belladonna (think A Perfect Stranger murder weapon)

D)Potatoes (think Vodka)

If you don't like my Aubergine, eat a fat one. Niteshadez 4 lyfe cuz.